An unexpected journey...

"Welcome to Indonesia".

A young woman stand in the big hall of an indonesian airport. She welcomes all new visitors and it feels a little bit like home, as I enter the hall. 
A lot of people running around me, and I have to stop for a moment and breath deeply.
Now I am here. Now I am in Indonesia to see the most beautiful woman on earth.
God, I can't say how much I've missed her. The days in L.A. were so lonely without her.

A few days ago in Los Angeles I've worked at the hospital as suddenly someone stood behind me.
"Good morning, Dr. Blake!", the person said.
I turned around and looked into brown eyes. "Tami.", I said.
The young woman infront of me nooded with a smile on her face.
"How are you?" I asked.
"Fine, and you?"
She heard my sigh. 
"Martin, all right?"
Now she looked serious.

I put my documents aside, saw her in the eyes and said: "Well... have you heard something about Nurul?"
"Not really.", she answered. "Why?"
"We aren't connected a lot since she went back to Indonesia.. And... I worry about her."
"Martin. Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

She gave me a smile.

"If you really worrying about her - why you are still here?"
"You mean..."
"Yes. I mean you should fly to Indonesia. Or you worry over and over again. Don't agonize yourself."
"I guess, you are right. I should fly to her."

Well, and now... I am standing here, infront of the indonesian airport.
She's near, I feel it. Tami promised, that she would say nothing to Nurul if she asked, where I am. It should be the perfect surprise. 
If she still loves me? Honestly, I am really afraid of the answer. I hope, that she still loves me. I still love her, too. And I'll never love another woman. She's my one and only. I hope she knows that.

I am going through the streets. Indonesia is such a beautiful country. Everywhere I go, there are wonderful flowers and plants. And the weather is amazing. The sun shines so bright. I love that.
I look around me. The sky is blue and the air is so fresh. I feel a gentle breeze on my skin. 

Tami told me, where I can find my Darling. Maybe. 
 
I am on the way to the beach. I know, Nurul loves the beach. 
Hopefully she will be there.

A few minutes later I arrive the beach. It's so beautiful there. White sand, a lot of green plants and colorful flowers and there... there it is the sea. Again I feel this gentle breeze and I close my eyes for a moment. I want to enjoy that feeling, I want to enjoy Indonesia, I want to enjoy everything.
I've never been there before. It is overwhelming and totally beautiful. 

Suddenly I hear somebody laugh. And I know that laugh so well.

I open my eyes and looking around me.
And finally - there she is. But not alone. She's there with her two little boys.
In the last days I imagined so often, how this meeting would be. I thought about so much phrases and thing I wanted to say. But now, that is all unimportant. 
I start to run. Run to her. I want to hug her, to feel her, to hold her in my arms.

As I come to the place where they are, I stop and looking at her back. She doesn't noticed me yet. 

A few seconds later I cough slightly. She's listening before she turns into my direction.
She needs a few moments before she realised that I am standing infront of her.
I look in her eyes. They shines brightly and slowly there comes a big smile on her face. Her cheeks blush. It's too cute.

"Martin?!?"
I nod and give her a smile. "Yes, Nurul. I'm there."
"OMG, I can't believe it."

She runs into my arms and I am so happy. I hold her tightly, I never want to let her go. 
"I missed you so much", I whisper. 
A little tear is running down her cheek, as she answer: "I missed you, too. I thought you don't like me anymore. It was a hard time. I thought, you are disappointed, that I went back to Indonesia. Back to my kids. I am so sorry!"
Now she cries. I hold her face in my hands and wipe her tears away.
"Honey, I love you more than I can say. I have to say sorry to you - because I had so much to do in the hospital. But you are my everything. I am not disappointed - there's no need to say sorry. All's well."

We are looking at each other. The same feeling as I saw her for the first time. Months ago in the hospital. She's such a wonderful person. I wish all people would be like her. She's amazing. She's a natural beauty, with the biggest heart I've ever seen. As I saw her for the first time, I knew that she will be mine. I can't imagine my life with another woman. I need her, when I am lonely. I need her love, when I have bad times.. I need her happiness when I am sad. I need her smile, when I cry. I need her advice, when I bet at a loss. I need her sun, when my life is grey and cloudy. I need her. In every single way. Simply as that.

And as I stand there with her in my arms, I know: I will never let her go! She's the love of my life. She and her kids. My little family.

A man need not much money or five cars or three houses. No. All a man needs is a woman, who take care of his heart and love him as much as he loves her. Yes, I am a doctor. In Nurul's eyes I am a good doctor. And I love this job. I love Los Angeles. I love my life. But all would be worthless without her...

Share of the burden

Hey Guys,

I am sitting in the plain. My travel destination is Germany. The country which I've come from.
Just a few minutes left till I am in its final descent. 
I know, I'll be back in LA soon... but it was very hard for me, to say "Goodbye" to my friends Nurul and Martin. And to my wonderful boy Taylor. 

Maha and Orlando are back in Egypt. They are so in love with each other... it's so cute to look at them and see how they spread their love with the world. I miss them both. Maha is such an lovely soul, and we "talk the same language". :-) It seems that she knows me better than anybody else. We understand each other without saying one word. It's incredible, how similar we are.
And Orlando is such a wonderful man. He's always there if I need somebody to talk. What would the world be without him?
WHAT WOULD THE WORLD BE WITHOUT MY FRIENDS?

And now, I am feeling so alone, because nobody had the time to come with me. But it's okay.
Well, Nurul want to stay in LA because of Martin. And Guys, I understand that totally. 
Martin has a lot of work at the moment. The hospital is full of patients. It seems like it's high season in his hospital. Sometimes Nurul said, Martin is stressed. And Guys, I mean VERY stressed. 
But, you know, he is a doctor. A very good doctor. 
A doctor with a heart of gold and the great ability to empathize with his patients. 
Isn't that the thing, what a good doctor must have? The ability to empathize with his patients, the ability to give others hope and the ability to say the truth without hurting the person? I think so.

And Nurul... my amazing Nurul. She's like a mom for all of us. Sometimes she's so worried about us, that she forget her own troubles. Isn't that great? I've never seen such a caring heart. She is amazing. 
Martin said once: "She's my angel, which God has sent to me." And yes, she really is.
The whole world should know her. And yes, the world should be lucky for a woman like her! I wish all people would have a heart like hers. 

While our plain fly into Munich I am looking at some pictures of my friends.
We are all different. Different languages, different home countrys, different cultures. 
I have a group photo in my hand, which was taken by Maha's friend Aya in Egypt. 
We stand all together, hand in hand, and smile into the camera. 
And, always when I look at this picture, I think about our friendship and our differences and I realize, that we aren't really different. No, we are one soul and one heart living in different bodies.
That's what friendship really is. What really matters isn't the culture, religion, home country or  the language. No. 
Love, honesty, faith, fun and appreciation - that are the things, that really matters in a friendship. 
We love each other more than we love ourselves. 
We are always honest, but we doesn't hurt us. 
We have faith in us, no matter what is happened in the past. 
We have so much fun together - but sometimes we can be serious, too! ;-)
We appreciate each other. 

And, only God knows, how thankful I am for sending me this amazing people!

Stewardess: "Miss?"

The Stewardess scare me. I was so deep in thought, so I don't recognize, that the plain has landed.

Stewardess: "Excuse me, please. Time to get out."
Tami: "Oh, yes! Sorry!"
Stewardess (smiles): "No problem! I hope you've enjoyed the flight. Have a nice day!"
Tami: "Thank you! Wish you the same!"

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As I step on the street outside the airport I feel shivery. I have forgotten, how cold it is in Germany at this time of the year. I see a lot of snow and I miss LA much more now. 

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The days move... I meet some of my german friends and I visit my family here. The days are full of joy... but the nights are terrible. I have nightmares... nightmares of losing my friends, of being sick and of being alone in this world. 

2 weeks later I decide to go for a walk with my dog.
We walk through the woods. It's January and, anyway, some birds are singing. 
It begins to snow. Big snowflakes comes from heaven to the earth. They looks so beautiful.
A tenderly snowflake lands on my glove.

While I am looking at this little snowflake, I say a quote from the movie 'American Beauty': 
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in..." 

It takes a few moments till the snowflake melts. Just a little wet spot still reminds of this snowflake.
"Even beauty must perish." (The word was coined by Schiller!)

I keep moving. Sam, my lovely dog, is running and jumping round the trees and he is trying to catch some snowflakes. He loves snow. Sometimes I think he is an siberian husky or something like that.

While I go through the forest, I look around me. Nature is beautiful. 
I think of Taylor... and immediately I have one of my favourite songs in my mind.... I need you now by Lady Antebellum.
While I am walking, I sing in a low voice: "And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time." 

I've forgotten the time. Am I here for a few minutes? Or a few hours? I really don't know.
Immediately I hear Sam bark. I look around me but I can't see him. 
Where is he?

I am running in the direction of his barking!
Sam is a great dog, but he has a very marked protective instinct. 
It is seen from afar that he's not alone. A person is with him.

"Don't be afraid!", I scream to the person. 

Finally I arrive the place where Sam and the person are. And than, I see who the person is. 
"MARTIN?!" 

He smiles. "Hi!"
I am speechless.

"What... what are you doing here?", I asked.

Martin: "I thought that it would be nice for you to have one of your friends by your side."
Tami: "Where is Nurul?"
Martin: "She will follow tomorrow. With Taylor."
Tami: "Oh my god, that's such a great surprise! But, why are you here? Nurul told me, that you are very stressed?!"
Martin: "She's right. I am still stressed. But I wanted to talk with you."
Tami: "Sounds serious."
Martin: "It is serious. I'll walk you a little ways, okay?"
Tami: "Okay!"

I hear the snow scrunch under our feet while we walk. The air is cool and Sam is running again.
A few minutes later, Martin take a deep breathe before he starts to speak.

Martin: "May I ask you something?"
Tami: "Yes. Go ahead!"
Martin: "Orlando told me that your Grandpa passed away because of cancer, right?"
Tami: "That's right."
Martin: "Well, I have a new patient. Her name is Kelly, she's 32 and has terminal lung cancer. She has a son. He is just 16 months old."
Tami: "I am so sorry about that!"
Martin: "Did your Grandpa knew that he must die?"
Tami: "Yes... he had metastases all over his body. The cancer began with his larynx. My Grandpa fight against his illness. And as we all have thought, my Grandpa had won this fight - his cancer stroke out. So much surgerys. So much pain. He had so much suffered."
Martin: "Do you remember the most horrible moment of his illness?"
Tami (whispers): "Yes. Some day he said to us: I WANT DIE. I don't want to suffer anymore. It hurts so much and the pain is too strong for my body. Please, do something. Let me die. I don't want to live anymore."
Martin: "That sounds hard."
Tami: "It was hard... very hard. The only thing you can do is to stand aside and pray that the pain will end soon. But deep in your heart, you know that the pain will not end. This illness is strong. Too strong for the most of us. Too strong for him."
Martin: "I am sorry for burden you with that."
Tami: "It's okay. Sometimes it's hard to understand, but what will be , will be. It will make sense... anytime. In a better place."
Martin: "Do you believe in afterlife?"
Tami (smiles): "No, I don't believe that. I KNOW that! I know that all the stories about afterlife are true. It's not a crazy imagination. It's there! And someday each of us will see it."
Martin: "How is it there? Is there Jesus? Or Allah? Or Buddha?"
Tami: "There is GOD. God has so much names. Call him as you like. There is one God for all of us. And he will wait for us, with all the people we loved here on earth. And someday we will wait with him in heaven for those who loved us as much as we did."
Martin: "I don't understand that. How can it be, that God has so much names?"
Tami: "Don't think so complicated. Look. Think of a flower. In english it's called flower. In german it's called Blume. In french it's called fleur. In italian it's called fiore. In spanish it's called flor. And so on. But it will always be a flower, no matter how you call it. One thing with a hundred different names."
Martin: "Sounds good. But, do you have an advice what I shall say to Kelly?"
Tami: "Tell her the truth. You are gentle enough to find the right words. It will hurt either way. Don't suppress a fact. Death holds no terror for me, Martin. Maybe she thinks in the same way as I do."
Martin: "I am afraid of this moment. Yeah, I am really afraid. I am afraid of doing the wrong things."
Tami: "Fear is no shame. Lying is!"

Only now I notice that we stopped our walk. 

Martin: "Thank you for your advice."
Tami: "You're welcome."

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The next day is the arrival of Taylor and Nurul. I can't say how much I've missed them.

Tami: "Nurul! Tay! Welcome!!!"
Nurul: "Welcome, honey! How are you?"
Tami: "I am fine, thank you. What about you?"
Nurul: "I am fine, too!"

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After lunch we decide to walk a bit. 
We take the route, which Martin and I walked the day before. 

I have my camera with me, so I can take some pictures.

Martin is hilarious. Nothing reminds more of our serious conversation yesterday. He laughs and he plays with Nurul in the snow. 
Taylor animate them to a snowball fight. I hear the loud laugh of Nurul, as Martin throw a snowball  at Taylor. 

While they play I must unavoidable think about the conversation. Martin looked rather strained. 
I've never seen him with such an vacant expression before.

"I am afraid of doing the wrong things." - his words resound in my head. Again and again.

How horrible must it be, when you have the assignment to tell a young mother that she will not see, how her little son grows up? A young woman whose time is running out. A little baby boy who be left as a half-orphan soon. 
I recognize that to be a doctor isn't always glorious. It's hard. 
We always talk about our "big problems" - but, does we really have problems? 
How often we talk about unimportant things like: "Oh, I haven't got the shirt I wanted in the closing-down sale, because an other woman bought it first." Wow, that's really a very important thing. Do you know that?

For the first time I feel sorry for Martin because of his job. 
Once he said: "I am just a doctor. I am not God." 
No, he isn't God. He's just as normal as the most of us are. But he is able to do great things. He can save lifes. He can heal wounds. But, and that's an important question: Who heals the wounds of a doctor? Who bear the burden of his work with him? 

Nurul (screams while she laughs): "Oh no Martin! Don't be so cheeky!!!"

I must smile. Martin slather Nurul with snow. Now both lie in the snow. It looks too funny. 
And now I know who bear Martin's burden with him - his beautiful angel Nurul.

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"What are you thinking about?"

I feel Taylors arms around me. I look in his beautiful eyes. 

Tami: "Aren't they cute together?"
Taylor: "Yes, they are made for each other."

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you
for a thousand years
I'll love you for a
thousand more!

(Christina Perri - A thousand years)